One of my wonderful teachers at University would often use a certain phrase in our theatre classes and rehearsals: "Permission to fail." This is a wonderful thing, but one that I struggle with so often. Giving myself permission to screw up and not get it right the first time isn't something I feel inclined to grant myself. But by denying myself permission to fail, I almost doom myself to failure. Without the willingness to fail, there is no freedom to take risks...and that is something necessary as an actor, and quite possibly as a human being.
I've been approaching Godspell, which is soon to go into rehearsal, by withholding permission to fail. It is a guarantee, as part of my apprenticeship at PT, to have a role in this show, but I felt almost dirty knowing that I was pre-cast in it, and the director of the show had never even seem my work. So I went into auditions for it with everyone 'reassuring' me that I was already cast and shouldn't worry...but that was just what worried me. I felt as though there was no room for me to do anything less than my best or I would forever feel like 'well, but she had to cast me.' The problem with that is that nothing is ever good enough. Even though I did what I felt like were good auditions, I continually felt that I hadn't earned my way into the cast.
I am still struggling with this, but determined to shake it before it truly impedes my work on this show. I can't rely on someone else to validate me in my place in the cast. I am here to do my best work, but for that I need to be free to play, experiment, explore, dare...and fail.
I am an actress, singer, and sometimes dancer. I'm married to a wonderful man who is in a similar line of work to me. We live in the rainy land of the Northwest and are young artists embarking on our careers. I love creating many things, mostly of the knit and sewn variety.